To the Zoo!
by Prisoner Len
Summary: A petting zoo almost seemed like the perfect place for a date. Almost. Nothing ever goes right when Angeal tries to plan a day out. ASGCZ.


**Before reading this, might I suggest chapter 4 of Take Me to the Zoo? It's not absolutely necessary to understand this, but it might help a bit towards the end. Besides, I think I'm hilarious, even if I'm not. ; n;**

**Also, huge thank you to ShadesofImagination for telling me he needed a prompt, and basically getting me to whip this up.**

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><p>The petting zoo wasn't exactly the perfect place for a date, but Zack loved animals, and Cloud loved… Well, Cloud loved anything cute, soft, and fuzzy. As long as it didn't have too many legs or crawled. That was why four SOLDIERs and one slim cadet were standing in the middle of Midgar Zoo, simply staring at the sign that read, in large purple letters, "Petting Zoo".<p>

And Zack was cutting off the circulation to Angeal's hand. And making some rather high-pitched squealing noises that were causing Sephiroth some serious concern, though the General just blinked at the teen in utter bewilderment.

"'Geal!" Zack shrieked, flinging his free arm out and accidentally smacking a passing woman's breast. "Whoops, sorry." She gave him a dirty look and he shrugged, pulling on Angeal's arm. "Do you think they have _ponies_?"

"Don't be a fucking m—"

"Ponies?" Cloud piped up, cutting Genesis off. He looked up at Sephiroth and said in a hushed tone, "If they have ponies, I want to ride one."

Sephiroth nodded, then announced to the entire group, "Cloud gets to ride one if they have ponies."

"For fuck's sake." Genesis groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. "They _don't_ have—"

"He'll ride one if they _do_." Sephiroth growled, frowning at the redhead.

Zack practically _dragged_ them into the petting zoo. Immediately, he detached himself from Angeal and charged up to a goat. Cloud quickly followed and latched onto the goat, grinning from ear to ear. Cloud loved goats—in fact, he had once attempted to convince Sephiroth that they should get one as a pet. Sephiroth, of course, complied. Angeal, however, vetoed the goat-buying. He'd also had to sit them both down and explain that his apartment wasn't the proper place to have a goat.

For a brief moment, Angeal was afraid the goat would spear Cloud through the eye with one of its curled horns.

But it just stood there, chewing on a clump of grass and what looked suspiciously like shit.

Satisfied that Zack and Cloud weren't about to be disemboweled by a barnyard animal, he leaned back against the fence and watched a little girl petting a woolly sheep. He was nervous. The last time he'd brought Zack near any kind of living animal, he had almost died. Though, to be honest, it _was_ Genesis' fault for catching the grass on fire and scaring the living hell out of the poor chocobo. Nonetheless, it made Angeal keep one eye on the raven-haired teen at all times. But really, what were the chances of that—

Something was _touching_ Angeal's leg.

Slowly, he looked down.

And made eye contact with a brown, feathery hen. It made a strange crowing noise. And then it sat on his foot.

He slid his foot out from underneath it and took a small step away, one eyebrow arched high.

Apparently, the hen found this absolutely offensive. She climbed to her feet, ruffled her feathers, and pecked at his shoe.

"Hey, knock it off." he hissed, waving his hands at it. The hen ran back a few steps and settled down, its watchful gaze on Angeal. Shaking his head, he scanned the crowd of children for the only two teenagers that were getting a huge kick out of the petting zoo.

And covered his mouth to stop the loud laugh from escaping his mouth when he saw Genesis.

"I fucking saw that!" Genesis roared across the enclosure at him, pulling on his pants. "Don't you fucking laugh at me, Angeal Hewley! This _isn't_ funny!"

"I think it's pretty funny." Sephiroth pointed out, staring down at the goat.

The goat that was very much attached to Genesis' pants.

"Oh, yes. It's _hilarious_." Genesis replied sarcastically, planting the palm of his hand on the goat's head and attempting to push it away. "Why don't you let one grab _your_ pants, and then let me know how fucking _hilarious_ it is!"

"Sephiroth wears boxers, so he wouldn't have your problem." Cloud retorted, patting the goat on the back.

The General nodded proudly. Genesis blushed.

And Angeal Hewley was being stalked by a hen as he walked across the enclosure and attempted to pull the goat off of his moody lover's pants. He wasn't aware of it, but his lovers certainly were. They watched the fat feathered creature follow at his heels, and the very second he turned around, it sat down and looked away.

"Hey, uh…" Zack started, leaning around Angeal and staring down at the hen. "I think this bird is following you."

"No shit, Zack." Genesis snapped, whacking the teen upside the head. "You're so fucking stu—"

"At least I don't have a goat trying to pull my clothes off." the teen replied in a singsong voice, dancing away from the Commander.

"Zack, stop taunting Gen—" Angeal paused. "Where did Sephiroth go?"

Cloud merely pointed. And they all turned to see Sephiroth crouched down next to a cow.

And he was poking its udders.

"Uh, Seph?" Zack questioned, leaning around the General. "What—"

"Stop touching that!" Genesis shrieked in disgust. "Do you have _any_ idea where the hell that's been?"

"Do you have any idea where that _goat_ has been?" Sephiroth shot back, not turning away from the cow.

With an irritated growl, the redhead firmly placed both hands on the goat's head, and yanked himself free.

And lost his pants in the process.

The rumble of conversation came to a dead halt. Cloud covered his face in embarrassment for his elder lover, Angeal pinched the bridge of his nose, and Zack laughed. Sephiroth pulled on the cow's udder and it absolutely flipped its shit, mooing as loud as it could and trying to get away from him.

And the second Genesis let loose a string of curses, Angeal knew they were going to lose the right to visit the petting zoo.

It had taken him three hours on the phone to convince the owners of the zoo that he would keep a close eye on Zack, and they'd go straight to the petting zoo. In less than half an hour, Genesis had exposed his genitals to at least fifty small children and their parents, and Sephiroth had pissed off a cow.

For once, it wasn't Zack that was going to get them in trouble.

He sighed and watched a very familiar zoo employee—the same one that had banned them from the zoo itself months prior—march across the enclosure towards them. He raised both hands defensively, ready to try to talk them out of the possible lawsuit, when the hen that had been following him lashed out.

And by lashed out, it is intended that one understands the hen _charged_ at the employee and pecked their leg. Then started jumping around making an utterly ridiculous noise that closely resembled a hiss. A second employee made an attempt at calming the bird down, but it simply pecked at the incoming hands.

"Holy shit!" Zack yelled, pointing at the hen and pulling on Angeal's arm. "'Geal, you have an attack hen!"

"You really _do_ state the obvious." Cloud mumbled helping Genesis retrieve his pants from the goat.

The second Genesis had his pants on again, Angeal was dragging them out of the petting zoo in a rush. He ushered them through the main part of the zoo, piled them all in the car, and flew out of the parking lot as fast as possible. Once they finally slowed to a red light, he let out a relieved sigh and glared at Genesis in the rear view mirror.

"You realize it's _your_ fault this time." He stated calmly. "You're lucky the hen caused a distract—"

A clucking noise sounded from the backseat.

Angeal slowly turned around.

Zack was holding the hen in one hand, and an egg in the other.

Cloud blinked at him from the front seat. "Why do you have that?" he asked before Angeal had a chance to.

"Because the fucking bird laid it, genius." Genesis answered, rolling his eyes. Sephiroth elbowed him in the ribs with a frown. "Fuck you."

So of course, they had to turn around. And of course they had to hand an angry hen and her egg back to a very pissed off zoo manager.

But this time, Cloud punched Genesis in the crotch for getting them banned from the zoo and the petting zoo—a ban that the manager promised would _never_ be lifted. And this was _exactly_ why Angeal could never have a peaceful date with his four lovers.

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><p><strong>Something about a goat pulling Genesis' pants down is completely fucking hilarious to me, so I couldn't resist.<strong>

**I was going to put it in Take Me to the Zoo, but I haven't made many actual oneshots since... well, September.**

**Hope I haven't lost too much of my ability to write. Thanks for reading~**


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